WHEN YOUR BODY IS THROWING UP RED FLAGS
It’s amazing how you can be moving along full steam ahead doing all the right things, making tons of good decisions, and boom… your body just shuts down. That is what happened to me yesterday.
I have been out of prison for almost 20 months and am in a mad dash to prove myself constantly. I am a single mom, I work a full-time job where I am actually important, and I am 8.5 years clean. I’d say I am doing okay if conversing with someone, but that is not what I tell myself. The shame of my mistakes and the time I feel I have lost drives me insane and I have a very different kind of conversation with myself.
I look at what I am doing as a parent and I don’t feel like it’s enough. I should NOT have been gone all that time. I should have saved up for a college fund for my daughter. I should be more financially stable. I should have been a better role model. Is there any way I can truly make it up to my daughter?
I look at my career. I should have accomplished so much more by now. I’m 45 and have 3 felonies and it drives me at my job to go above and beyond, I shame myself if I don’t know something because I should have done better with my entire life.
I work out every day, follow a meal plan, and drink a gallon of water every single day. I look at myself and my body and I think of how much better I would be if I just hadn’t been a drug addict for so long. I look at the scars all over my body and the lines on my face and think of how dumb I was for living the way I did.
These kinds of conversations are amazing fuel. This kind of shame and guilt will push me through any exhaustion I feel even when my body throws up red flags that it might be time to slow down. I noticed signs this week. I told my coworkers that I didn’t feel right. I remember talking about how my tinnitus was back and not having a thought in my brain as to maybe there was a reason or maybe it was a sign.
I wasn’t listening to my body and just proceeded to run myself directly into a wall. At 6 am yesterday I went into the kitchen to get my coffee and was already running a million miles an hour in my head about what I needed to get done that morning. I leaned on the counter as the world started to spin and the last thing I remember was yelling out for my daughter.
I fainted. I smashed my face into the countertop, rolled off, and hit my head on the floor hitting the back of my head on my stone tile, and fell into my dog’s water bowl. The next thing I saw was my daughter shaking me and screaming and crying. My dogs had decided they were now service dogs and were doing their best to get me off the floor. I was drenched in water from their bowl and was holding my water jug that had blown up after hitting the floor. My daughter was on the phone with 911, I am pretty sure she thought I had died.
I got up and told her I was fine. She got me dry clothes and I told her to call 911 and cancel the ambulance but they were almost there. I started changing the bedding for some reason and felt compelled to clean knowing strangers were showing up. Then I realized that was dumb and I could just go out to them since I could walk. So I put my flip-flops on and went out to greet them.
The paramedics checked me out and said my vitals were “amazing.” They told me I needed a CT and blood work and I volunteered my daughter to drive me instead of them. My dad came and we all went together. All I could think about was the bill from this adventure.
My blood work was great and the CT showed no reason for concern. They didn’t know why I had fainted. But as I was going along through all this, deep down, I knew.
I think so often we dismiss stress and our emotional health. I do. A year ago, I had a concussion that had lasting effects that didn’t stop. For a year I have been nursing this stupid concussion with therapy and battling migraines. Stress and self-loathing don’t help anything. I was pushing myself all day at my job, and pushing myself at the gym, and I never gave myself a break to stop and take care of myself. I think my body sat me down for a little wake-up call.
So here I am, the day after, sitting in bed with my overprotective, over-concerned dogs that are more in my business now than ever. I’ve prayed and prayed and know I must make some changes. I have got to be nicer to myself and give myself some credit where it is due.
In conclusion, if you are reading this and it resonates with you, maybe this is your sign to slow down. I see yoga and more breaks in my future. Writing is my therapy and I continue to put it off because I am too tired and I just haven’t been able to think and write out a clear thought lately. I didn’t notice any of the red flags until God had to drop me in my kitchen just for me to finally pump the brakes.
