What to do if your loved one in prison is melancholy, distressed, or angry

There is truly an art in this prison suffering. It can be such a struggle to find peace while incarcerated even though we have all our basic needs met and life is easy here. At some point your loved one will experience being melancholy, distressed, and angry. Your loved one is going through tragic times and they can really benefit from your help. Your influence on them is so much greater than you know. If you are positive with your sights set on hope, your attitude and demeanor can really bring comfort to your loved ones during emotional times. So, what can you do to help them? Let me tell you a story.

These past few years have really seasoned my emotional side. I often find myself being the voice of reason for a lot of people around here and sometimes it is just weird. For most issues, I have become good at separating my emotion from whatever issue I encounter so I can think in a strategic manner. This works way better than my old raving lunatic mode that seemed like a good way to go but inevitably I always crashed and burned like the crash test dummy I was acting like.

There are times I will really feel like I have a handle on my emotions, until it comes to my daughter. I don’t get much communication with her and it breaks my heart on a daily basis. She means the world to me and I struggle with the pain of her absence as well as the guilt of not being there for her like I should be. So, anything to do with her, and my steady ship can become easily hijacked. My most recent example of this was her birthday mail outs.

We don’t do mail like normal people in the United States. Now most of the time they let padded or manila envelopes go out in the regular mailbox. If the postage is enough, it’s not normally a problem. Except in this extremely important situation, the package for Lilly’s birthday.

For her 15th birthday, I had a card, some beautiful beaded bracelets, and the coolest beaded pen with her name on it made to send for her birthday. I was excited for her to get them. I had written her a crazy emotional letter then reeled it in and wrote a sane letter. I can write blogs all day long but a letter to her and I lose my mind. Of course, I was beating myself up on another missed birthday and this is all I could do for her. To put it mildly, my emotions were already stirred and the tears had already flowed, the mascara was already on my chin and I knew I was probably safer getting someone to help me package and get it ready with postage so I didn’t make a mistake. So, I had a friend, who mails packages regularly, help me carefully wrap the pieces and get it all packaged up. We weighed it and determined the postage and then I doubled it, because it is expensive here. I felt so relieved walking that package to the mailbox and I felt so happy dropping it in knowing it was on its way. I imagine her sweet face as she opened her gifts. It was a great feeling. I called my dad to let him know it was on its way 13 days in advance and surely it would get there in time for her birthday, because that is what I do, I call my dad for everything.

I know what you are thinking. its a package, just mail it already. Why are you acting like this is a big deal? Well it’s just not that easy here, things don’t always go as they are supposed to.

Well. the next night at mail call my name was called and there was the package for my daughter. Uh! My heart sank, my eyes welled up, and then I screamed some crazy sequence of profanity. I could not believe this thing was still here.

It was returned because whatever officer was processing it out decided it needed an approval. If the package can’t just go in the mailbox, you fill out an approval form, have your councilor, which we don’t have right now due to staff changes so you must find someone with authority to sign it, and then they take the form to R and D. Receiving and Discharge is where people come and go and where we mail bigger packages. Then you wait. you wait for that ever-important page over the intercom that is so desperately welcomed by fellow mailers, “R and D open house!” Then you grab your package and all the stamps you could possibly need, plus a few more because like I said before postage here is really expensive and doesn’t always make sense, and you run and get in line to get your package processed. Meanwhile, you have silent meltdowns worrying that the approval form didn’t make it and then what do you do? That is what I do anyway.

Let me just explain that waiting for this page over the intercom is where the anxiety can really get you. Another problem you may face is they may or may not have this open house. I have seen them go weeks without doing it. It is supposed to happen twice a week, but that is a maybe. We are at the mercy of the officers and staff. But of course, the big what if. ugh what if we don’t have it this week.

All of this was flashing through my brain the minute I was handed the package back. This is what I wanted to avoid. If I knew this was the route, I was going to must take I would have done it even earlier, like last month, I was losing my mind. I took the package and frantically looked for the inmate in change of these mail out forms. She looked slightly alarmed having to deal with a totally different creature then the controlled and sane human I normally am. She helped me fill out the form and promised she would have it signed and delivered to R and D first thing in the morning. An open house was supposed to happen that next day. So, I did everything I could possibly do up to that point, then I had to wait. So, I called my dad.

I was maybe a little calmer, but probably not much. I told him what was going on and that I was freaking out and I couldn’t believe this and WHY ME! His reply was priceless, “oh that is great you got it back so quickly.” And there it was. the only tiny ray of light. That beacon of hope to navigate me back to sanity. I am so lucky to have my dad as the greatest advisor I could ever ask for, just a phone call away.

That, right there, is what you do when your loved one is angry, distressed or melancholy, you point the way to hope and positivity. My dad has always been amazing at talking me off the ledge at any given time. He can bring comfort to me regardless of the situation. What I love the most is his ability to remain calm. I’m sure this has been a tall order over the years, especially being my dad. Most of my life, I have been a walking natural disaster of emotions, constantly up and down. I’m just now where I have straightened up and I’m flying right, most days.

My dad doesn’t beat around the bush. No matter is it is good news or bad. He gives me the facts and talks me through the necessary details and once I steady myself and stand again, we plan. I have gotten better at handling things for myself and other people in this manner, but there are still times I must call him. When I look back over my life there is so many images in my brain that seems like the camera is out of focus. It’s because I become engulfed in my own emotions and let them take over and I at that point, I’m no longer myself. He helps me focus and put things in perspective.

In conclusion, what you must do to help your loved one incarcerated is help them transcend whatever tragedy is causing these wrecks less emotions. You must be that lifeline for your loved one. When they come to you, listen to what they are saying. Let them know they are valid feelings. Then try and separate emotions from facts, help them steady themselves and stand and aim them toward hope to change the perspective and ultimately change what they see. Even if the problem seems small and/or insignificant, prison has a way of magnifying things. Help them to zoom out to see a bigger picture.

Things that help me.

1. Talk about the problem. Break it down to the bones of the problem and then it might just be time to get those skeletons out of the closet and teach them to dance. Let your loved ones know that you are there to listen and not judge in their times of worry, then you will help them sort it out. Acknowledging the problem in any way shape or form makes it real, makes it exist and with all that it makes it vulnerable. You may not know what to say or do, and that is ok, just make sure you show up. Don’t let them complain. There is nothing productive about complaining.

Also know that your loved one’s conversations on the phone, email, and video visit are strictly monitored. If they struggle to find comfort discussing their problems because of it, you might think about going for a visit. Being face to face with your loved ones is extremely comforting and they would love it.

You may also ask them what they think they can do to make the situation better and what you can do to help them and/or the situation? Don’t be afraid to ask questions and get involved.

2. When you see the storm on the horizon, you must look it dead in the eye and get a handle on the situation. Don’t you dare hide, ignore, or pretend it’s not happening. If you can tell something is wrong get them talking, silence is like taking cover behind some paper towels in the middle of a tornado. Well. it’s still coming. Just because you are willing yourself to be blind from the disaster coming your way, won’t stop it. It just spirals uncontrollable until it’s too close to be avoided. That chaos that snuck up little by little and now is a huge mess, and it sure didn’t must be.

Don’t be afraid of conflict with your loved one. You must help bring clarity to their thought process. We must reflect with others to sort out our crazy. Don’t let them hide. If they are doing something wrong but refuse to change it you may ask them if they would rather be right or would they rather be happy. Aim them in the direction of something positive and good. I strongly recommend God. When you are aiming toward God you can’t go wrong.

3. There is something that has been hard for me to grasp and it’s been a long road that I kicked and screamed the whole way. If I had gotten exactly what I want when I wanted it, I would have missed higher callings. That took a lot of growing and a ton of pain to get to that conclusion. I was so blinded by my desire of wanting to be out of prison that I wasn’t enjoying my life and I sure wasn’t noticing all the beautiful and amazing things that were going on around me and within me. I’m glad I finally got to where I am enjoying the present. You may need to point this out to your loved one.