THE MEDICATION THAT CHANGED MY ADDICTED LIFE
Let me be perfectly clear, I am not a doctor, nor am I an expert on anything. What I am is a recovering addict and for most of my adult life, I have been up close and personal with addiction. Sharing my stories has been cathartic for me. Writing has allowed me to organize my thoughts and bring awareness to areas of my life that I have never paid close attention to. Every story I tell is a personal part of me that I pray will help someone else.
Once upon a time I stumbled across a medication by accident that I believe gave me a real advantage over my addiction. One that took away my cravings for drugs and even cigarettes. I would like to put this information out there for other addicts to be aware of. I want others to know what helped greatly hush my drug cravings and completely removed the desire to smoke without even having the intention to do so. It gave me unexpected strength and I believe changed the playing field in my brain to allow me to change my life. Read on to learn about the medication that I feel must be the best kept secret in the treatment of addicted patients.
For as long as I can remember, I have been a compulsive or addicted person. I am a recovering addict, but like any addict knows, deep down, addiction is a war that never ends. Even when that war isn’t actively raging on, it is still there, lying dormant, manifesting into different forms of one compulsion after another. I look back over my life, scanning over the years with this awareness and I see one compulsion or addiction end, only to have a new one surface. Let me backup a bit and give a little back-story to help paint a clear picture.
After many years of heavy addiction, I was federally indicted, and it prompted me to quit all drugs. It was apparently the scare I needed to get straight. Believe me I had plenty of other scares that should have shook me to the core. Like the time I was shot in the back of the head, that 40 caliber bullet that burned itself into my skull along with all the other traumatic events that heavy drug use often brings, nothing detoured me or even made me think it was time to stop using. However, the day of my arrest changed my life.
I remember popping over the last hill on the way to my house in my truck and descending into the valley where my house was, seeing the abyss of the black, federal vehicles lined up and down my long driveway and around my house. There were even Ranger vehicles out in my pasture. At first, I was completely confused. I remember seeing all the trucks and wondering what was going on. Has something happened? Then, as I descended the hill, terror took over. Something had happened, and my federal indictment had come out and all these theatrics were for me. I had nowhere to run, and I did not feel like it. I have never been so tired in my life. My truck was swarmed in an instant after cresting that hill and I was pulled from my truck by men with huge guns in my face. It was extremely dramatic for an unarmed, barely dressed female that was clearly unarmed and was surrendering anyway. Then again, the cops in my area are quick to pull a gun on you and the hole in the back of my head was still fresh enough to remind me they are happy to pull the trigger which enhanced the terror of this experience even more.
I remember sitting in a truck with a federal agent, handcuffed and in complete shock. We had a bizarre conversation and I remember hearing him telling someone that it was his last day and he was retiring. That last day of his career made a lasting impression on me and I cannot recall the exact words that were exchanged, but I do know that I decided that morning with his help that from this point forward, the drug world would be in my rear-view mirror. Nothing about this decision was easy or was going to be easy. This would be the biggest challenge of my life. With the stress of this great big mess, I knew my cravings would be on steroids and this whole battle was going to be uphill for an awfully long time.
If the number of police vehicles involved in your arrest signifies the level you have arrived at, I apparently was a big deal. Although I had paid no attention because I was too busy being a numb zombie and a soldier to my addiction. At this point, using drugs to run from my pain was all that I knew. If I was happy, I did meth. If I was sad, I did meth. Pretty much the answer to everything, for me, was meth. That is what my brain told me anyway and at the time of this decision I felt myself drown with fear as I mentally tossed my security blanket from my life, but my mind was completely made up, and the challenge was accepted.
Within two days of my initial arrest, I was let out on pretrial release. It felt like a huge setup for failure, and the only options were sink or swim. For me, there was only one option, but I felt completely suffocated by the stress of the mess and my cravings were on high. It was a full-time job reprogramming my brain to accept its fate of having to live and survive without any numbing agents. Nothing was certain and even if it were, I do not think it would have been easier.
With stress, for me, comes sleepwalking. I am a weirdo, and I am kind of creepy. I normally have long, dark, big, crazy hair. When I sleepwalk, I wander around with my hair over my face so I could not see even if I opened my eyes. I like to play with light switches in my sleep. Apparently, I think they do not work because my eyes are closed and my hair is over my face. I am normally a harmless creature even though I look like the girl from the movie The Ring. I have done it all in my sleep. Cooked, ate, drove, walked to the pond, etc… Waking up with muddy toes and a mess in the kitchen is a rather troublesome experience. I am kind of like the guys on “Stepbrothers.” I have a party in my sleep. If I get up in the morning and notice something that does not belong in the refrigerator, I know I must immediately start looking around the house for something that is probably melting.
During my time on pretrial, waiting to find out the fate of my future and fighting to stay sober, was by far the most stressful time in my life. I cannot remember when it got bad exactly, but it seems like around 6 months to a year into my pretrial, my roommate found me cooking for my big fat dogs in my sleep. That is right. Cooking all four of my dogs a full meal and lining up plates for them on the floor serving them food, all while sleeping. When I was not doing something and wandering around, I would stand with my face against a wall or the refrigerator completely motionless. I knew I had been waking up in weird places. More than once I woke up standing face first in front of the wall and thinking I was buried alive. All I had to do was turn around, but it took a long grueling minute to figure it out. I was out of control. I was roaming around unconscious all night and roaming around all day like a zombie just wanting to sleep. I was freaking myself out and I decided I had to do something.
My roommate and I discussed the possibility that if this kept going, I was probably going to burn the house down. So, since I was not getting much sleep anyway, I dedicated my time to searching for a solution. I did a ton of research and found a pharmaceutical drug that just might help me quit sleepwalking. I went to my doctor and discussed my issues and got myself a prescription for Topamax. Some people might recognize the name as a seizure medication, while others may have been prescribed it for headaches. The bottom line is it is a common drug but let me explain what it did for me.
Within 24 hours of taking my first dose, I quit smoking with absolutely no intention of doing such a thing. I must fully explain my love for my cigarettes. I was not just a fickle smoker, or a smoke when I drink kind of gal. No! I loved them, like I really loved them. My smokes were always there and when I had them there was always something to do. A smoker is never just standing out in front of a building, they were SMOKING! Even when I ran and worked out, I would light up after. My cigarette was the cherry on top of everything I did. Then I took Topamax, and just like that, I had no desire. I remember reading something about it helping people to quit smoking, but it never occurred to me that this would happen. So, I tried another cigarette that day. It tasted awful, like dirt. I thought something was wrong with the pack. So, I went to the store and bought another one then went outside and lit up that glorious little stick to find the same terrible taste. I hated that taste! It was awful. It was so weird but, at that moment, I divorced my cigarette habit on the spot, and over 7 years later, I still do not want it. I must say that is rather impressive.
The only thing that I had done differently, was take this medication. That was what I found out about Topamax, that it would affect the compulsive part of your brain that drives us to drink, smoke, do drugs, overeat, etc. Hunger was driving my sleep walking, I wanted food. I kept going to bed starving to death and when I fell asleep, my brain took over and walked me to the kitchen. But the compulsive part of your brain is what drives addicts to find more drugs, to throw all caution to the wind and make completely irrational decisions justifiable and go get drugs at all cost. If it killed my compulsion to smoke just like that, what else could it do?
Well let me tell you that about 6 months to a year into sobriety is the dangerous area that tends to be where a lot of addicts have problems. You get the most coins at an AA or NA meeting during that time frame because that is when most people fall. I asked that very question at a meeting once and that was the explanation I was given. It makes perfect sense. And during this time, I was lucky enough to come across this miracle medication.
I had quit drugs in the past, and I remember how bad the cravings were. It would be smooth sailing for quite some time then suddenly, they would hit me like a train. After taking Topamax, any cravings I had for drugs, cigarettes, or food, were gone. It really was amazing. It was like my brain had been overhauled and all the bad, compulsive things it tended to talk me into were not there. I had sought help for my sleepwalking and got myself a big bonus.
As soon as I was let out on pretrial, I went to rehab, I knew I needed help. The doctors at the rehab facility tried different medications. It was awful. The meds this place gave me made me want to jump out of my skin and run away from myself. I had heard people talking about some of these meds helping them, but I do not know how. It was terrible. One day I came to treatment with my eyes looking rather wild after trying a new medication the doctor had prescribed me. The lady directing the class gave me some crayons and something to draw on, I was in no mood to do anything. Driving home was even scarier. I remember thinking about wrecking my truck just to see what would happen and fantasizing about pain because I was trapped in my head, but I couldn’t feel my skin. Was this the hell that “cutters” lived in? The medication given to me by these doctors created pure torture and I decided I was done with anything this place recommended I take.
Even though I was an addict, I was always leery of pharmaceutical medications and did not trust them. I know that sounds funny but that is how I felt. After a few rounds of the medications at rehab it sealed the deal, and I was even more skeptical. However, months later the sleepwalking was enough for me to reconsider trying another pharmaceutical drug just one more time and I am glad I did. The best part about Topamax is it is not a forever medication. I read something that recommended taking it for 4 months for the best result and that is exactly what I did. All these years later, my awareness is still here, and the changes made in my head have stuck.
I have asked other addicts if they have ever heard of this medication, but none have. I do not believe I am the only addict to stumble upon it, but I know it is not talked about and I think it is time to change that. With all the advancements in medications and science, I wish society’s intentions would shift to truly help addicts get well and out of their situations. Drugs like Topamax could truly be a helpful tool in an addict’s toolbox to help as defense against tough cravings and I believe should be something available for addicts to try.
In conclusion, I strongly recommend addicts talk to their doctor about trying Topamax. I am sure it won’t work for everyone but I do believe this drug helped assist my battle with addiction. As anyone that has wrestled with addiction knows, it is not a one and done kind of fix. Addiction is multifaceted and if you are not paying close attention to all your moves, your own mind will checkmate you when you least expect it. You cannot just fix one thing and then life becomes smooth sailing. Winning the battle with addiction is a long process of trial and error, and really it’s never conquered. A constant scavenger hunt for tools to aid you in the inevitable upcoming battles in your own head. Americans are quick to seek medications for a quick fix. I am not suggesting Topamax will make all your wildest dreams come true. I know it helped me, so it is important for me to make others aware. I would encourage everyone struggling with addictions or compulsions to strongly consider trying it
