Prison COVID-19 Week 4

While the corona virus has put almost the whole globe on house arrest and changed the entire world as we know it, it is still hard to believe the drastic changes that happen every single day. As I go over the previous week of my journal, I am always shocked. I watch the news in disbelief of the havoc the corona virus wreaks. No one is untouched, and this is especially true for inmates. For millions of prisoners in this country this is another week down of solitary confinement. Any inmate behind a fence is suffering in their solitude of their tiny cage, with only a toilet, a bed, and a desk. Another week of helplessness and for some, hopelessness, because even worse than the inmates suffering in solitude, a huge amount are suffering with the virus due to negligent medical care that inmates must deal with. The virus continues to infest the prisons, and even though plans to thin out the inmate population has been put in place, the prison system continues to drag its feet and move at a glacial pace and continue to keep prisoners in harm’s way. My prayers and heart go out to all inmates, out of sight and out of mind, and suffering. At the federal prison camp where I reside, we continue to be blessed as we are not sick, yet, but the emotional roller coaster continues along with more and more fear creeping in as the state of Illinois turns from orange to red as the number of cases and deaths rise all over this area. We have been told this camp would be thinned out to allow us to adhere to the social distancing guidelines, but there is not much movement. We are lucky to be physically well, but I cannot say the same for our emotional well-being, as the bop continues to play with our feelings and emotions. This is my journal from week 4 of our stay in place due to the corona virus.

Wednesday 4/22/20 to 4/29/20

4/22/20 Wednesday Day 22

A town hall was given by the administration. The ladies that had their date taken the other day were apologized to and so was everyone else for the mess that had been made. The lady that came in to address us spoke calmly and clearly. She took her time and informed us that at this time, they were only considering minimums that have served 50% of their time. That is all. She informed us that she may walk back to her computer to find something totally different, but for right now, this is where we are. This is all we ask, direct answers and to be addressed respectfully.

She also gave the criteria that was needed to request a compassionate release. This is to include: where you are going, who will support you, and where you will be receiving medical care. A lot of people do not realize they cannot just kick people out the door with medical issues without a plan, and they can hold people back with a medical hold. This is horribly unfortunate because of the nonexistent medical care here.

I was impressed when she asked if there were anyone with questions. This is kind of a danger zone around here right now and this is not normal to have a question and answer session. Due to her demeanor and transparency, it was calm and respectful, and she was very helpful. I was grateful for this.

I do not want to jinx us, but it almost feels like a shift toward compassion today. It was interesting to watch as her calm and matter of fact demeanor set the tone for the day.

4/23/20 Thursday Day 23

Some of the counselors and psych department has begun to get involved to help people find out what level they are and percentage of time they have served. Up to this point, information like this has been a mystery for most of us. With the administration looking only at minimums for possible home confinement, it would be good to let people know what level they are, so they know what to expect. If you have never been to prison, you would think this would be just general knowledge for all inmates. It is not. It is like pulling teeth to find out anything, so for officers to get on board and go out of their way to let us know these simple things, was a big deal. We just need clarity because as things continue to change, we need to know where we stand.

Some of the officers and staff are extremely compassionate people and have blessed us with their kindness through these tough times. While some have handled themselves so badly that I will go ahead and be embarrassed for them. It really is unfortunate for how miserable some of these people are, I feel bad for them.

I must keep reminding myself and the people around me that the vast majority of us are suffering. Our tiny world continues to become even smaller and every day there is a new set of rules, and we are exhausted with the emotional waves that just keep flooding this place.

Like Marcus Aurelius said, “You have power over your mind-not outside events. Realize this, and you will find your strength.” This could not be more relevant.

4/24/20 Friday Day 24

It has been a quiet day. We all have been conditioned to brace ourselves for Friday’s because that is when the bombs are normally dropped. It is hard to keep our worries at bay and I hate that I have fallen in a trap where I cannot help but expect something crazy to happen. As soon as I see anyone from the administration wandering around, my mind prepares me for the worst-case scenario.

This week has been different, and I really feel there has been shift in the way the administration has been handling news and updates. They have handled us with compassion and kid gloves instead of creating chaos and bouncing us off the walls like crash test dummies.

I am at my stop loss when it comes to worry. I just cannot do it anymore. I found myself comparing the corona virus roller coaster to that of the year I spent waiting for sentencing. Instead I decided I have my outdate and anything before that is a blessing, so I am just going to do my best to relax. The hardest part is not being able to find distraction being stuck inside with all these people packed in here. We can open the front door, but we just cannot cross the threshold. I know how dogs feel now.

Some of the people that had their dates ripped away the other day have been told that their files are being expedited. No one knows what that means, what it looks like, or even if it is believable.

We managed to have a quiet Friday. 4/25/20 Saturday Day 25

It is almost May and I have dug all my winter clothes out. I have layers of anything and everything I can find on my body. I even have a bathrobe over the top. It is bitter cold, and no one can get warm. It is too cold to type and even too cold to read a book. I tried having one hand out for one page and then switching for the next page and it still does not give the other hand time to warm up. Even under 4 blankets I cannot get comfortable and it is like a bad survival show full of crazy ladies trying to get warm and completely miserable. The hot water keeps going out on one side of the building.

The guards today are not our normal weekend crew and they are colder than the air temperature. They are hateful and could care less that the heat is broken, and the fans are blowing cold air. They run in and count in their ski jackets and run back out. Maybe I spoke to soon on that shift toward compassion.

4/26/20 Sunday Day 26

Another quiet and bitter cold day. It has been eerily quiet this weekend and it makes us nervous. I look forward to work tomorrow and feel bad for everyone that has been cooped up in here for 26 days without being able to get out and feel the sunshine. With the amount of food, we are getting and no one even having to walk to the chow hall, there are a lot of people that will be rolling out when the time comes. I pray we will be able to get out soon.

4/27/20 Monday Day 27

For the group of 23 ladies that will depart on the mass exodus Friday, someone from administration came to talk to them and give them some guidelines for their departure. They were told on May 1 when they leave their family is to stay in the car and when the inmate has been processed out and ready to go, someone in the parking lot will let the family know to pull up and pick you up. They are not allowed to get out of the car. There will be no hugging and no pictures… Um what? This is not the first day of school, who wants their picture taken coming out of prison? The good news about this weird speech is that it looks like they really are going to release this group. That is hopeful, but we all are bracing for the worst. Some of the people due to leave are long overdue and why the BOP continues to drag their feet when they are supposed to be thinning out the population, I will never understand.

4/28/20 Tuesday Day 28

Some of the people that had their hearts broken and their dates taken the other day, once again, have their date back. One of my very dear friends has been told she will be headed home on May 5th. I can tell how skeptical she is, and she is really struggling to believe it at all.

Depression is really taking over this unit. A lot of people are barely getting out of bed anymore after being stuck inside for 28 days with no getting out in the sun and no fresh air. It gets more depressing every day I come back from work and realize how badly people are beginning to mope around in pure misery.

Then there are the ladies that are so angry. Some have a lot of time left and just want to do it peacefully. We are all tired of the BOP playing with our feelings and emotions as we worry for our safety and well-being as the corona virus takes over Illinois. There are a lot of people with health issues and we worry about their chance of survival if they were to get infected. We still have no way to adhere to the social distancing guidelines.

4/29/20 Wednesday Day 29

My dear friend that was told she was leaving, had her date yanked away, then told she was leaving on May 5th just yesterday, has once again had it changed, now she goes home on the 14th of May. I think the worst part is no one here bothered to tell her. She just happened to call her lawyer this morning and he told her it had changed. This sweet lady has been through enough. When her date of the 5th was given back it came with an apology for the emotional distress of this mess that was so carelessly made, and now this. She went in to confirm with her case manager that the date in fact had changed, and indeed, it was moved to the 14th. When she asked why they had not told her they replied that they were working on it and trying to work it all out. Just a little bit of transparency and honesty would go a long way at this point. Now she braces for bad news every day as she waits, because that is what we do around here, get strung along to be let down some more……………………………………………………………………………………………………….. UGH!

Late in the day, a new list was put up on the wet dry erase board to see the case manager. Some of the people have already been on the board before and they are being called back to sign more paperwork. Some of the names on the board are complete wildcards that no one saw coming. One lady has a 15-year sentence and will not be eligible for home confinement until 2027. The new ladies added to this list seem to be somewhere in the 40% of time served and are minimums.

To me, movement like this is exciting and provides a little hope and boosts morale for a lot of people. For other people they become jealous and angry, but I cannot say I completely understand.

In conclusion, as we watch the news and see the death toll rising and watch the state of Illinois turn from orange to red due to the cases and deaths of the corona virus rising, fear is at a new level. This comfy pasture we reside in feels like it is about to be closed in on by this invisible enemy that seems to be unstoppable at this point. No walls, barriers, or boarders can keep this enemy at bay, and it is scary. We hear on the news and from people incarcerated in other areas about the infestation that is happening in prisons across the country.

Incarceration is at an all-time high and institutions are so overcrowded there is no way to accomplish social distancing guidelines being piled in on top of each other. The cares act has clearly declared an emergency at prisons, but the BOP does not appear to be adhering and continue to move at a glacial pace to let anyone leave. The inconsistency is driving people mad. It is no secret that medical care is notoriously nonexistent in federal prison camps. I have seen people go through some traumatic situations as they suffer for months with ailments that should have been taken care of immediately, I cannot imagine the amount of suffering the corona virus would bring here. Stay tuned for what next week brings.