MY MENTAL HEALTH CHECK ENGINE LIGHT IS ON!
5 things I do to stay on point.
I am a recovered addict and have battled anxiety, depression, and body dysmorphia for most of my life. I have been clean for over eight years and I feel pretty good most days. I was forced to spend four years with myself in prison where I obsessed over books about habit and just psychology itself.
After four years of studying humans, I know I must watch myself closely. I have to. I know I am not wired like other people and tend to go over the top with pretty much everything. So I have to pay attention to how I move, and what I eat, and I check in with my mental health pretty much all day long.
For the most part, I am on point. I work out at least four days a week and have my diet written by a trainer. I have found this works best for me because I can’t trust myself to make decisions. I either want to eat too much or not eat at all so this is my way to stay accountable. Most days I am dialed in, but some days I slip. If it isn’t a scheduled cheat meal and I indulge anyway, I am upset. If I don’t check myself that slip can turn into a spiral.
For instance today, my coworker brought in some cupcakes. Now let me tell you that cake is my kryptonite. It’s the frosting that sends me over the edge. If you put cake around me I find myself looking for a reason to eat it. Something can go wrong and I think, “well damn, I guess I’ll eat some cake to make it better.” Or something goes right and the next thing you know I’m celebrating by inhaling the cake.
My problem with anything is I don’t stop at one, and things like sugar are terrible for my mental health. Truth be told I was bad yesterday too and I chalked that up to Halloween coming and everywhere I go there is chocolate staring at me. So today when I slipped again and I realized I am trying to normalize yesterday’s bad behavior.
I skipped the gym yesterday after getting lost in my writing and today I find myself looking for an excuse to not go. So two red flags are flying that are normally on point. I’d say my check engine light was on.
Am I stressed? YES!
Am I starting to feel my seasonal depression? YES!
Here are 5 things I do to stay on point:
1. DO NOT NORMALIZE BAD BEHAVIORS
When I start to stumble I find myself doing it over and over again, normalizing my behavior if you will. This is not ok and I cannot have this. I guess this blog is my way of telling on myself to the world to stop my spiraling and to be accountable.
Whenever I start to do something bad I want to make it normal. I know this from my days of getting high. I surrounded myself with people that were doing the same thing, people that wouldn’t judge me. I lowered my standards and just made my bad behavior acceptable.
It’s not just drugs and alcohol that people try to normalize. You can normalize any bad habit you feel guilty for. Whether it be food, complaining, being unproductive, or anything negative. Stop it! If you feel bad about what you are doing there is a reason for it so notice your behavior and habits and redirect any behavior that doesn’t align with where you are trying to go.
2. SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF
If you don’t show up for yourself, who will? You have to be present and aware of your life and how you are living it. When I find myself checking out, I now realize it and bring myself back. This took a lot of work and paying attention to all the details of my behavior. I think to myself about what I did today, what I accomplished, and what I am going to do differently tomorrow to align myself with my goals, and then I show up.
I don’t care if I feel like a beached whale and I have the shittiest workout I have ever had in my life, I am going to the gym and I am going to suffer and fight the entire time, but I am going to show up.
Showing up is half the battle. I know this, but I also have to remind myself of this all the time. When I am fighting my anxiety I just know I have to get in the car and get to wherever I am supposed to go and I have accomplished something.
3. IT’S OK TO STUMBLE- JUST BE MINDFUL
Sometimes you stumble and that is ok. It’s that self-awareness that is so important. I have to acknowledge my shortcomings and then go forward and get back on track once again. Stumbling is just part of life and you have to give yourself a break as long as you pick yourself up immediately and get going again.
If you make yourself aware of your patterns it is easier to stop before you derail completely. Stumbling is part of learning and part of life.
4. CELEBRATE TINY WINS- FOCUS ON THE GOOD
Some days are tough. Today has been tough for me. I am a fish out of water doing a spreadsheet I have no business touching. My eyes crossed and I broke a sweat. I cannot tell you how many times I made a mistake and honestly, that led to my cupcake issue. I may not be finished with that spreadsheet, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a lot accomplished.
When you feel like you are drowning, just stop and breathe the air, and go ahead and celebrate that you just made it through that tough moment. Celebrate that you got out of bed and came to work after you wrestled with your anxiety like a wet sports bra. (For you fellas, that is like wrestling a demon.)
It’s so important to notice your accomplishments on your journey and celebrate and enjoy every step of the way. There is so much good that we do and if you must focus on the positive. Just think of all you have survived already.
5. MAKE A SCHEDULE- Discipline is power
I am the queen of the schedule, not by choice, I am on federal home confinement. For over a year I have had to have my entire week planned in advance and approved ahead of time. This is tedious, but I truly see the value. Making a plan and sticking with it is hard work but I have gotten really good at it.
I have 26 more months to go on home confinement and sticking to itineraries, and don’t think much will change when it’s over. I am sold on this. Life gets crazy but when you have a schedule you will always have some normalcy.
The more disciplined I am, the more confidence I have. Sticking to a routine has kept me on point in my recovery and my mental health.
In conclusion, life is tough and we are so tough on ourselves. We tend to give up and give in to bad behaviors and let life swallow us whole. You can stop your spiral I promise.
