If you have a loved one in prison, then you should hear how prison saved my life
One of my favorite classes is my Discipleship class. It is a 32 week in depth study of the bible and recently we have been studying Exodus. Week before last we studied the plagues that led up to this week’s parting of the Red sea. If you have no idea what I am talking about check out Exodus chapter 3 through 15. You might just be intrigued enough to keep going. I have read this section several times, but this time was a little different in that I found myself comparing my own life. I had just been praying for guidance on what topic I would write on this week for my blog and when we were asked about our Red Sea moment, I knew that was what I would be writing about.
As I read about all these crazy plagues to get Pharaoh to let the people of Israel go, I couldn’t help but to think about what kind of nut would keep going through all of that and not see that change must happen. Why would anyone keep putting themselves through that endless torture and heart break? Then with my Red sea moment in mind, I started to realize all my own personal plagues I went through to finally be open to some real change. It broke my heart to think of all the things it took to bring me to my knees and even more so, what my loved ones went through.
Just to make a quick list of the plagues of that led up to my Red Sea moment: depression, anxiety, addiction, my failed marriage with no end in sight for the custody battles that came with the war of my divorce, failed career, being surrounded by really bad people, my truck was stolen, I was shot in the head, I was indicted, and then I literally had to fight for my life in my own home when someone attacked me and kept telling me they weren’t going to stop until they killed me. All of that was just in 5 years of my crazy life. How could I possibly wonder about how much it takes to change after going through all of that? Now I realize that it doesn’t take much time to dim your memory. It’s so easy for us to put things out of our minds and harden our hearts, repeatedly.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t an angel or saint by any means. I tend to be the life of the party and I am often the first one to hop on and drive the crazy train. Those were the kinds of rolls I chose to play for many years. Unfortunately, it was very comfortable to me. The only thing the crazy train brings is crazier. So, when I look back over my plagues, I must remember the part I played in it all and remind myself that I am not that kind of person anymore. I was not an innocent by standard, so it was a relief to know that God uses the most broken people for good.
It can be hard to admit how much a situation can affect us and the roll that it puts you in. Bad or good, your character transforms as you submerge yourself further and further. When you have done things in the past and they are already familiar to you, it makes it even easier to slip back into a roll you played once before.
You can take the drugs away from the girl, but all the years of “values” that center around the drug world, along with attitudes and thought processes that go along with it, had built walls too strong and too high and would take so much more than just walking away from that playground and those people to escape, and truly break free. Even after being clean for seven years I got sucked back in and that was the beginning of this round of plagues. No matter where you are in life, if you are an addict and you start to lose control, you know that if you do _ drug _ way, you will feel like __. Believe it or not that translates into having control in the crazy brain of an addict and because of that, it would take a pretty big earth disturbance to bring down the walls, shake up my life and truly get me to change. With all these plagues that happened, I realized I was kept safe through all the horrific experiences and I remain safe today. The only possible explanation is God and it took me so long to get it.
It took me getting indicted to recognize I really needed change and sent me full speed ahead to get clean. Knowing addiction has this funny way of making you feel like you are hiding behind a veil of secrecy and makes you feel anonymous. It leads you to give yourself permission to do things you normally wouldn’t. I knew that my addiction and my addictive personality had to go in order to successfully make it through pretrial. After all I had been through, and even getting shot in the back of the head didn’t have the impact the federal government had. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words in statements are what brought me down. That three-year process of pretrial was full of pain and slow change that moved at a glacial pace. Even after I had kicked the addiction, I was still battling anxiety and depression. Then while on pretrial and coming so far with making changes, was when the battle for my life took place and I literally had to fight to save my life in my home and against someone I knew. I truly didn’t know how much more I could take. I remember being so unbelievably tired and completely crushed by grief. My face and teeth were broken, and I was mentally wrecked. My teeth were fixed right away but my face took a long time for the bruises and swelling to go down. It took a long time to recognize myself in the mirror and to heal physically. Mentally, well that is another story.
So, after all the plagues, change was put in motion and the Israelites were let go and began their journey. The Red sea was a huge obstacle that could never have been overcome without Gods help. For me prison was the Red Sea. It was this huge obstacle on my horizon that I thought was going to swallow me whole, but it didn’t. I now see walking through the doors to turn myself in as the Red sea parting and truly my Red Sea moment. It was terrifying and its human nature to want to stay in the comfort of my old life but making a clean break and getting distance from all my plagues that brought me down was a huge blessing. I was moving into safer territory. It was time for a new roll and a whole new script. The rules had changed, and I could no longer react to things in any way that I was used to. When those new rules went into effect the new me had to go and I had to conform to a completely different life where change was imperative.
It is funny how all this is coming together as I write this. At sentencing I held on to Exodus 14:14 I lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm. That was my mantra. I had that flowing through my mind like a rolling billboard all through my court for sentencing. As I am writing this and looking at the verse in the bible, I back up to Exodus 14:13 and I realize the Lord didn’t just fight for me, he rescued me that day.
Like the Israelites, here on the other side of the Red Sea, all my basic and every day needs are taken care of. Every day there is always enough manna in the dining hall, there is more than enough water, and we have shelter. I think so often this is taken for granted around here. I know there will be ups and downs and battles to fight in my future, but this is where I rest and gain my strength, heal my body, heal my mind, repair relationships, and fully prepare myself for my the life I have in front of me. A life with new values, a peaceful attitude, and a deep root system to give me strength when the time comes. I have always believed my incarceration saved my life, but when I zoom out with this Red sea perspective, it becomes even bigger and more necessary than I ever could have imagined. Thinking about my plagues that led up to me turning myself in look more like God being faithful and keeping me safe. With that being said, I can’t help but to be full of gratitude.
In conclusion, thinking and writing about my Red sea moment has brought a lot of insight and clarity to a lot of ugly situations. I would challenge everyone to find the Red sea moment in their life and think about the plagues that led up to it. I feel it’s something everyone should do. However, if you have a loved one incarcerated you really must encourage them to think in this perspective. I think it reality has brought comfort to my current situation. Sometimes I begin to panic about the time I have left. I hate all the time I am missing with my loved ones and I have had panic attacks about all the future events I won’t be able to attend. This mindset of zooming out and looking at my life up to now makes me realize that I must trust and know that God has been with me every step of the way and has saved me in ways I had forgotten about so quickly.
Things that helped:
1. Read Exodus chapter 3 to 15. Of course, you can keep going or back up and read up to that point. Let it sink in and then compare your life to the plagues and the moment the Red sea parted.
2. Take your time and brainstorm. You might be surprised what will come to mind but don’t be afraid of it, write it all down and work through the details.
3. Find gratitude in your situation, no matter what.
