How to Encourage a Loved One who is in Prison During the Holidays
With the holiday season quickly approaching, I flash back to my first round of holidays after my indictment and it is heavy on my heart to write about my experience. If you have a loved one incarcerated, I want to know the warmth and joy that can be found even in an institutional setting. More importantly, for those people with prison on the horizon I want to alleviate some of your fear and anguish at the thought of your future, it is going to be ok. I want people to know that it is ok to find joy even while incarcerated and I want you to give yourself and your loved one permission to find joy and be happy. Don’t let the lies driven by shame and guilt lead you to believe you aren’t worthy of love and happiness.
After I was indicted, I was overwhelmed with fear of the unknown road that lay ahead. While I was on pretrial, I didn’t know how long it was going to take before I took a plea and turned myself in. Holidays were especially hard. I had a hard time enjoying them because I was so focused on my uncertain future. I would find joy when with my family, but the second I was alone, I was swallowed whole with guilt and shame for what I have done and what I was about to put my family through. The thought of my future holidays in an institutional setting brought me to panic, immediate tears, and absolutely terrified me.
Although I had been on the news, in the papers, and terrible things would come up if you googled my name, I didn’t talk about any of it. My future was the elephant in the room, and it was uncomfortable. Of course, you hope for the best, but you have to accept your fate. Not me, I was acting like nothing happened and there is just nothing to see here, and just kept it moving. I don’t know that there is any advice I can give to make this situation any easier, all I can do is share my experience and hope that I can connect and bring some comfort. So, here are my experiences with holidays while incarcerated.
This will be my second holiday season at Pekin federal prison camp and my third round of holidays incarcerated. My first year was at CCA in Leavenworth in federal holding. That first Thanksgiving was extremely hard because it is also right around my daughter’s birthday and being incarcerated and missing that was harder than anything I have endured yet. I pretty much shut down for that first one. I tried to recall what we did and what we ate and all I can remember is crying. Now I celebrate. I celebrate the fact that I have an amazing daughter that I am so grateful for. I can’t wait to get out and do big things to make up for any birthdays I missed. I just keep thanking God for her and stay excited for the future.
Christmas at CCA brought quite a bit of excitement. There was no decorating, but we all got Christmas bags full of amazing treats. Instead of smashing the whole bag, like I did, these ladies made cakes and pies and repurposed things like pop tarts and candy bars into crazy festive, mouthwatering, creations. My mind was blown. We played games and ate too many calories and the best part was everyone got along and honestly it was a bonding experience. Not being with my family was extremely painful, but all the inmates were going through the same thing and feeling the same pain and we rallied that day to make it a joyous occasion.
In federal holding, I remember hearing a lot of ladies that had already been to prison talk about how they couldn’t wait to get there. They would go on and on about decorating and the holiday meals that prisons served. I really couldn’t wrap my brain around anyone being excited for anything in prison and I really didn’t believe them. In hindsight, I can’t say they actually did it justice.
I’ve never understood why people start decorating for Christmas directly after Halloween. Why rush the year? Now being in prison, I get rushing through and throwing down calendar years. At this prison camp, a week before Thanksgiving and people begin to lose their minds. The administration here is on board with being festive and allows us to decorate and one of the counselor supplies tons of paper to accommodate the inmate’s passion for going over the top for the holiday season. We keep it politically correct and decorate winter wonderland style, for the most part.
I remember last year, which was my first year here, I had gone to the gym after work on a Friday and came back to find the entire unit working like a factory. They quietly, diligently, and obsessively worked through the entire weekend competing to make their alley more over the top than the others. They created the most beautiful decorations and scenes. It was like Pinterest came alive. I really wish I had pictures to go along with this blog because I don’t think I will find the words to do it justice. The ceilings had rows of 3D snowflakes hanging all down the halls. The windows had huge snowflakes hanging in them. Some people had manger scenes and spent days on the details. Then someone made an adorable cut out design of these little bunnies. Everyone decided they wanted one and before New Year, they were EVERYWHERE. Some people created construction paper windows to hang on their walls. Some people said they made a snowstorm with zero visibility… our walls are white by the way. There were sleighs and fireplaces made out of construction paper that actually came out from the wall and were just amazing. In the entryway of the units, there is a fireplace and everyone from that unit colored stockings and hung them all over the wall. This is where you start to feel that this bizarre band of misfits have become your tribe, and it’s pretty cool.
The recreation department jumped on the decorating train too. Since we had been given permission to decorate the housing units, recreation printed out colored pictures of a candy cane for people that completed a mile and a Christmas tree for five miles. Some of us (me) got a little obsessive and went crazy decorating our cubes with rows of these pictures. Yes, they were simply a colored picture on a white piece of paper, but they were also little trophies. I like trophies, so I vowed to plaster an entire wall with Christmas trees. I had so many Christmas trees lined up on the outside of my cube that people started stealing them and I didn’t even notice. One day I came back and two of my friends were running down the hall with Christmas tree pictures and I remember thinking how I had never seen them on the track. I realized they were coming from my cube and as I walked around looking at my friends’ cube, I realized my little Christmas trees were everywhere. So, I decided to share them instead of hoarding them. I just started hanging them on other people’s cubes that couldn’t make it to the track. Every time I has any spare time I would hurry out to the track and get at least a mile so I could get a candy cane for someone. I don’t know how many miles I ran that December, but I know it was more than I ever dreamed I would do, and for a piece of paper. It was great!
As I said before, people told me about the holiday meals that were served in prison. They would go on and on about the huge portions and how good everything was. I can’t say it did these crazy feasts justice.
At Thanksgiving they have so much food you don’t know what to do with it. Everyone gets a pound of turkey, a ton of side dishes and desserts. We all have our holiday meal at lunch time. The housing units are called separately to allow everyone a place to eat and to take their time. If people from different housing units want to eat together, they wait until the end. When we are done eating, we leave with a sack meal for dinner. This includes a soda that is different than what you can buy on commissary so its a real treat, a sandwich and two pies to take eat later. Then we sit around in food coma watching movies and laying around reading. Similar to our loved ones we miss so muc
Christmas and New Year’s Eve meals are just as crazy. Christmas is eerily like Thanksgiving except with Cornish hens instead of turkey and then there is the New Year’s mea Last year the New Year’s meal was a real big deal. It was steak and shrimp and tons of sides that were just unbelievably good.
All inmates get a holiday bag full of candy and treats we don’t normally get here. We also get bags of Christmas cookies and the bakers here get a little out of control. There are also special holiday items on commissary that we can buy and an additional $20 spend added to our limit.
In addition to the dinners and decorations we have holiday parties we attend here too. Some are big and some are small. Most alleys get together for a party, the housing units normally have a get together with secret Santa and then there are the private parties… It’s a busy time of year. We have holiday games put on by recreation for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. I know some of this year organized games are taboo, chess, spades, checkers, canasta, and of course there will be bingo… It’s not a holiday without bingo around here.
We can have visits on any federal holiday too. Last year my family visited on Christmas. It was great. We joked about not having to clean, cook, shop, or entertain. From 8:30 to 3:30 we were able to enjoy an uninterrupted visit. No cell phones, TV, or computers. Just quality time that was perfect and I was so grateful for it. Of course, for visits you only have vending machine food to eat, it was the best vending machine food I had ever had.
In conclusion, hopefully sharing my experience will bring some relief for people with a loved one incarcerated or someone on their way to prison. I miss my family and want nothing more than to be with them all of the year, not just the holidays. I have this journey to thank for that. I would not sign up to take a vacation at this place or plan my holiday here on purpose, however if you must be here, it’s not that bad. Inmates bond through these stressful times. We are all in the same boat and share similar pain. People incarcerated are never alone, we have each other and get through these crazy times together. I am so grateful for the support of my family and friends and my tribe here. I know I’m not alone and I have chosen to be happy and find joy no matter what the situation.
Things that help:
1. Give your loved one permission to be happy and find joy no matter what their situation is and encourage them every step of the way. A lot of inmates feel shame and guilt and feel they don’t deserve to be happy. Help them to choose to be happy and tell them they deserve it.
2. Schedule times to call and video visit. During the holiday’s inmates get an additional 100 minutes of phone time added to our normal allotment of 300 minutes. Encourage them to stay connected and let them know you would like them to reach out.
3. Schedule a visit in person. We love visits. It really helps to get us through the year. Any Saturday, Sunday, or any federal holiday.
4. If your loved one is a decorator and their institution allows them to decorate look for ideas on Pinterest and send them in. A lot of times people forget we don’t have internet besides email. We need the outside world for ideas.
5. Of course a lot of people need money on their books. I know federal inmate pay is getting cut back even more than it already is all across the board. Just make sure your loved one is OK.
