HI, I’M SABRENA AND I AM A RECOVERING SUGAR ADDICT. Why I quit dessert and why you should encourage your incarcerated loved on to quit also.
I have been clean from drugs for over 7 years and I love it. I feel accomplished in that it seems I have overcome the cravings, the daydreaming about higher times, and I now refuse to trade war stories with anyone about that life. I am happy with my change and I strive to continue to get stronger and healthier. I know I am prone to self-destructive behavior and I know I will have to pay close attention to my mindset and behaviors for the rest of my life, and I will happily accept that challenge.
Coming to prison I was kidnapped from everything I found to be comfortable. Before I turned myself in, I had made a deal with myself that I would refuse medication for mental issues and do my best to power through with exercise as well as working on my mental strength. So, I have consistently worked out like a raving lunatic for all the years of my incarceration and it has kept me from needing any kind of medications and got me fitter than I have been in years. Although, like so many humans do, I often reach for sugar as a little something to take the edge off.
Throughout this prison journey so often I find that have I have myself under control, but for the past year I now realize I have been slowly getting more and more carried away with desserts. Then along came the Covid lockdown, and it threw my crazy into overdrive with my attention diverted to worry and fear, I did not even notice how out of control I had become. Just recently a loved one suggested I write about eating healthy in prison. As I swished the idea around in my head and brainstormed what I would say, I realized that one was going to have to wait. I could not write about eating healthy, that would make me a liar. The truth, I was out of control. I realized I had become a raging sugar addict and not long after this realization, I made the decision that avoiding desserts would be my new passion. Here is my story and some things that helped me.
I cannot blame the Covid completely for my demise, as I was already slipping before, but the lockdown did help bring my awareness to my crazy behavior. My relationship with sweets and especially frosting had become legendary around this little prison camp before the lockdown. I had fallen in love with all things sugar and everyone knew it and loved to share their creations with me, except I wasn’t a reliable judge because I loved it all as long as it was sweet. I certainly was not paying attention to what a glutton I was becoming. You see I work out like a crazy person, so my pants were not getting tight, thus, I did not hear the alarm sound. I was getting away with eating like a 300 pound linebacker and when the lockdown hit and my pursuit for comfort heightened, I did what any insane person would, I ate a lot of sweets and did a ridiculous amount of burpees and pushups. Because, well, why not.
I learned in federal holding that when times get hard and I was struggling mentally, I would find myself in a season of spiritual fasting to seek God to get me through. The day the lockdown commenced I vowed to do a spiritual fast every weekend we were locked down until I felt strong enough and felt I didn’t need to fast anymore, you just know when the season is over. So, every weekend I would get quiet, fast with only water and coffee, pray, and stay to myself to get through the trauma of this mess. All of that fasting was a great experience, but it was extremely hard when I was trapped inside watching people eat absurd amounts of food all around me. I found myself breaking my fasts with ridiculous amount of sweets. All the sweets I had watched everyone eat all weekend, I lined up and had a feast the very second that fast was through.
Then I reached for more and more sweets during the week, and by the time the lockdown was somewhat relaxed I didn’t stop, I wasn’t fasting on the weekends anymore and was eating desserts from the kitchen full of frosting and getting extra frosting for other things like pop tarts, cookies, etc. I never skipped a workout and would just go harder and harder to allow my madness. The more I ran on the track the more sweets I found myself eating. I must admit, I started to feel convicted and then when my loved one made the suggestion to write about eating healthy while incarcerated, it was just what I needed to reel in my brain and take back control after it had been hijacked by emotions.
Sometime in the next few days after having the conversation about an eating healthy blog idea, I was out jogging on the track. That is where I get my best ideas and this day, they were flowing better than ever. I remember coming up with one blog idea after another, on this day. Lap after lap the ideas would blossom into ideas, I was really excited about. At one point, I thought I better go write some of this down before I forgot, but I could not quite make myself quit. I was pressed for time with more miles to go so I thought there was no way I would forget this stuff.
Then came this weird conversation I had with myself in my head. Maybe it was God, but all I know is I remember hearing a voice in my head telling me it was time to give up the frosting and hop off the sweet treats crazy train. I believe it was God because it does not sound like anything I would have come up with.
I have been through diet changes with myself before and the chaos between my mind and body begins almost immediately. This time was different and has remained different. Somewhere in the conversation in my head I decided I was working too hard and have come so far to be self-sabotaging my own progress. I was not going to go insane and check every label. I would eat fruit and vegetables and not freak out asking the cooks in the kitchen if they put sugar in something. I was not going to sweat it, there was no reason to freak out, it was just time to shift gears and make this change. I did decide I would weed out all bread and most pasta along with the desserts. Normally this would inspire a bit of panic, but this time it did not.
Do you ever feel like you get so close to a fitness goal that maybe it scares you? It is like my brain has had an ulterior motive and does not really want me to succeed. I look back over my life and I would get so close to my goals only to be derailed by my own self destruction and inevitably, here comes that chaos. It is like I have to give myself permission to do the right thing sometimes.
I left the track that day and had forgotten all my brilliant ideas for blogs but had found a new passion. I could feel the excitement for this change. Not only did I work too hard to be holding myself back, but I was in a place that has the equivalent of a third world country in health care services. This was not the place to catch diabetes or any other complication due to consuming mass quantities of poison. That is what sugar is, poison.
There is no secret, federal prisons, and especially camps, have little to no medical care. Allow me to just paint a picture of my one and only encounter of the medical kind. I will make this long story short. When I first got to prison, I jumped on the mow crew as fast as I could. I have always loved mowing and have had plenty of experience. I had just finished mowing with an industrial walk behind mower and had loaded it in a trailer to ride back to the barn. I stumbled but caught my balance when I steadied myself with my index and middle finger right on the fire hot radiator of the mower I had just shut off.
I heard my skin singe and smelled my burning flesh. The rest of the crew did to. Luckily, we had Ice, and someone started passing it to me and I quickly applied it. We were on our way to medical with no one saying a word. I prayed over my fingers clenching them with the other hand the entire way. I had no idea how bad it was, but the ice was melting as soon as my fingers were touching it and I was blowing thru all the ice the entire crew had in the water bucket. I was nervous but I never stopped focusing on prayer. We got to medical and I went to open the door only to be met by whatever character was working that day. I said, “I’m the one that got burned, my boss just called.” Without even looking at my burn when I stretched out my hand to show him, he said, “put some ice on it” and slammed the door in my face.
I had heard all kinds of horror stories about medical and I believe every single one of them. I was shocked. I cannot fathom treating another human being like that. I walked away crying my eyes out and continued to put ice on the burn for the next hour. Then suddenly, I felt this sense of peace, and I looked at my fingers. They looked and felt like the skin had turned to leather, but there was miraculously no pain. I was shocked and thought for sure the pain would fire back up, it did not. Dr. Jesus did the trick and that was the only doctor I would have for the duration of this experience. What I took away from that experience was that I would do everything in my power to avoid having to go to medical at all costs.
Walking away from the track that day, that scene flashed through my head. I remember the deal I had made with myself after that experience that I would take care of myself, eat right, workout, but not in a manner to injure myself. It is funny when you have no other option to fall back on how much you can rely on standing on your own two feet. I realized I had been breaking my own moral code and was acting like my own worst enemy. I had been noticing some days I was abnormally thirsty, and I would experience brain fog after indulging in sweet goodness. I remember having concern about my health when some of this stuff would happen and I just kept acting against my better judgment. I would no longer allow my discomfort to divert my judgment and from here on out my actions needed to reflect my true intentions.
As good as it might feel to indulge in sweet goodness, and as compulsive as I am by nature, I must remain vigilant and constantly and persistently remain on the lookout for my tendencies that so easily rear their ugly heads. I know I just cannot seem to get enough when my slippery slope begins to slide. By going crazy with sugar, I was jeopardizing my health and compromising my wellbeing. My crazy magic carpet ride with my sugar addiction reminded me that I am still me. I still have the crazy to look out for. The best medical care in the world can’t save you from yourself. Being in prison has taught me that I have a responsibility to take care of my one and only body I will ever have. You cannot live carefree thinking the doctor will just fix whatever problem comes up no matter how much medical care you have available to you. It has been a process of learning, but I feel like this is preparing me for my new life when I get out. With all my passion, why not be passionate about taking the best care of myself that I can? I know how much this change has improved my life, and I encourage everyone to think about it as well.
THINGS THAT HELP ME:
1. CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE-
When I know it is time for change, I first must examine my perspective. The way I see it, I GET to eat healthier and I GET to take care of myself. When I think of it this way, it makes things a bit easier. I know I can sit around and eat desserts, or I can commit to a better way of life, and I can make the choice to be better. How you perceive things makes all the difference in the world.
My awareness of how much better I feel has been a tremendous help as well. My aches and pains are so much less without all the sugar. My body is remarkably different and my ability to run and not have any pain is exciting. I must keep my focus on all these amazing benefits to just cutting out dessert, and that makes it easier to not care about some dumb cheesecake. Keeping your perspective intact is extremely important.
2. JOURNALING
Journaling my intentions and actions help me tremendously. When I write about what I want to accomplish and what I think I need to do to get there, my convictions will eat me alive when I am acting like a fool. It is amazing how quick and easy it is to get out of control. Journaling is a tool to help bring your awareness to your behavior. Even the smallest decisions and choices can turn into a problem when you are coasting along on auto pilot. Writing centers me and brings me back to search for any kind of bad decision making.
3. SETTING INTENTIONS
What do you really want? What are you truly trying to accomplish? Sit down and find your goals and aspirations and then plan to line up your intentions and actions to make it really happen. Even when things get crazy, especially when things get crazy, use those goals and aspirations as your guide. Staying focused on the goals will help lead the way.
4. SHOW UP
Show up every day ready to make these changes. You will never be perfect, and you will never do things right all the time. However, if you decide to make a change, wake up and rise to the occasion every single day. If you mess up, its ok. Be nice to yourself and look for what derailed you. Bring some awareness to what got you off course and make a mental note and a plan for when it happens again. One mess up can end in a spiral that might just last years if you stop showing up to make changes. As soon as you notice behavior that is inconsistent with your intentions, line it right back up.
