ATTEMPTING TO OVERCOME MY ADDICTION TO ANGER AND THE 8 RULES I MAKE MYSELF FOLLOW

Traveling to prison was quite the adventure, and a trip I will never forget. It was a long day but I took the time to really think about what I wanted and needed to get out of this experience. On the way, I made a deal with myself. Instead of jumping in and making friends with everyone and anyone, I decided I was going to stay to myself, sit back, and watch people before I chose who I would associate with or what activities to join.

After being federally indicted, I spent countless hours going through my discovery that was full of statements made by people that were close to me and many from people that didn’t even know me. Some of the things they said broke my heart, some embarrassed me, and some blew my mind because complete strangers were more than happy to tell whatever stories they had heard from the grapevine.

Its hard to hear ugly things about yourself. I learned the hard way that all the words and conversations you can have with a person simply wont tell you what you need to see and know about someone. Words will never paint a true picture of the reality of who someone is. The way people move, act, and react is what truly defines them. I decided I was going to do things much different in this segment of my life and that is what I did. As I sat back and watched, I found by shutting up and watching others I saw the characteristics about myself that I didn’t like and needed to change. Of everything I observed watching others, I saw anger as the most profound and often the most disgusting of human emotion.

My weird little human experiment inspired me to let my own anger issues go and make some big changes. Those changes took a lot of thought and self reflection. I didn’t want to behave like the people I was watching and I realized that I had been an angry person and had been for a lot of my life. I decided to transform and remove as much unhealthy anger from my identity as possible and it changed my life.

Anger is a normal emotion wired in to help us function properly. When you get angry you make a change, deal with or talk about whatever is the problem and then move on. That is healthy and totally human. Anger presents an opportunity for change, or to make improvements, or turns on your fight or flight mechanism and makes you run for your life or fight like hell when its necessary. A healthy human will get angry and process that emotion and use it just as it is, an emotion. However, I personally found that anger works for a lot of unnecessary things and can actually be abused. I know it helped me to get through some tough times. Anger propelled some of my most memorable speeches to people that had hurt me and really drove some hurtful points right through their heart.

I used anger to find my super powers and super strength, and it didn’t let me down. Then, I used anger when I was bored, sad, melancholy, etc… I didn’t have to feel physical and/or emotional pain when I was mad. Anger became my go to emotion for everything like a big fat band aid. My other emotions became foreign to me. ]

If something made me sad, I wouldn’t even bother to processes it as such. I would skip right to being angry because that is where I felt most comfortable. If I just stayed right there, in the anger zone, I could just keep going and not bother with any other emotion. For a long time my anger overrode everything. I realize now that I had attached it as part of my identity, and my relationship with anger itself, greatly effected the most important relationships in my life.

It might sound like I’m talking about a drug, but I’m not. I’m talking about a common emotion that became an addiction to me. You see, when we get angry our bodies will release adrenaline and cortisol as part of that fight or flight mechanism. I’m an adrenaline junkie and I have been from an early age. I remember throwing epic temper tantrums as a very young child. Looking back, I believe getting what I wanted or was trying to get was secondary to the rush I was seeking and remember getting, by letting my temper run wild. I had a really good, peaceful childhood, nothing was ever that upsetting, but I loved to be upset because I loved the feeling and in the meantime put my parents through hell seeking a thrill, which carried on long after my childhood.

As I got older I was always riding horses and being a daredevil in some way and that seemed to calm my nerves and sooth me. Sitting still and being quiet made me crazy and it still does. I didn’t know how to just sit with myself and be exactly who I was. The minute I was done running around like a maniac, I often found myself angry about rather arbitrary issues. I was so restless and uncomfortable in my skin. I had programmed myself to not be at peace with being peaceful. I’m thinking I might have just been on the hunt for a hit of adrenaline that anger delivers and when its easily accessible in your own brain, that can be dangerous.

Some people will argue that it is good to vent and to go ahead and have a fit to get that cathartic release. Some people will compare it to a pressure cooker that lets off steam when it needs to so it doesn’t explode. Well it turns out, they stopped using pressure cookers long ago. Wanna know why? Because they broke… That is how I feel about this method some gravitate to. I think its dangerous. Anger and aggression will only fuel future rage and who knows where or who your fury might fall on when you practice raging. You always get more intense when you practice something and when it becomes as familiar as blinking your eye, well, you might just be in some trouble.

It took my whole life up until recent times to straighten up and fly right. I found myself on the highest of highs or the lowest of lows and I just couldn’t find the peaceful, even, rhythm of life. I would argue that even when I wasn’t playing with drugs and feeding my obvious addictions, that I was still busy feeding my rage and fury to fuel another angry fit. I believe I was unconsciously seeking that hit of adrenaline that I could always find with anger.

You can find outrage all around you on any given day. You can find anything if you are looking for it. We are not going to share the same opinions and there are going to be things that need your passion and will spark anger. You can get angry, but you don’t need to be an angry person. Coming to prison and watching the people around me made me realize that angry people look a lot like a bully when you are watching someone in a fit of rage. Angry people are generally that, bullies. Ew… I guess that was me.

Angry people seem to not want to be angry alone. I see people bonding over their anger. When a person is in the midst of a fury they seem to jump into campaign mode and try to get others to join their outrage parade. Its interesting to see how people are so easily convinced to jump on.

Watching all of this I decided I wanted off the anger carousel and I came up with 8 ground rules for myself.

1. ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU

The most important thing you can understand is, well, brace yourself, this was hard for me too… They found the center of the universe, and it wasn’t you. You just cannot take everything personal. The things people say and the way they move really has nothing to do with you. At the end of the day everyone is just trying to live their life and get through their day, just like you. If someone yells at you and lashes out you must consider they are having a bad day.

Marcus Aurelius said, “You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you.” It is ultimately your choice on how it turns out. You have to choose to not get angry and choose being a peaceful person.

2. PRACTICE NOT BEING OFFENDED BY ANYTHING

Yes this one is really difficult unless you live in a remote location and don’t see or hear anyone. Being in prison, this is really a training ground for the rest of my life on how to not live as an angry person. I am surrounded by people, their breathing, voices, and opinions and some days its real easy to take offence. I know I have to practice not letting a single thing offend me on a daily basis. I don’t always make it, and I end up angry. Some days it takes every amount of awareness and strength to not get angry at some people, but the more you practice, the easier it gets. Earplugs are also extremely helpful on days when you are feeling weak. Again, anything you practice, you will get better at, so practice peace.

3. TEST DRIVE FEELING YOUR OTHER EMOTIONS.

It is scary to do this. Trust me, I know. If something makes you feel vulnerable, just go ahead and feel it. Process whatever has you there and make necessary adjustments. This has been so hard for me. When I really leaned into doing this I found myself walking around crying. It was so bad people would suggest antidepressants and most just thought I was crazy. That might be true, but I hadn’t tried to feel these emotions for so long I didn’t know what to do with them. When you have spent your entire life just pushing away all other emotions, life is a bit scary and confusing when trying to find a new way.

4. FIND INSPIRATION AND GOALS THAT PUSH YOU INSTEAD OF ANGER.

When I used to run long distances I would sometimes feel like quitting. More often then not, I would find something that sent me into a rage to fuel me through whatever I was doing. Unfortunately, when I was done doing what I was doing, I was still angry about whatever I chose to dwell on.

Now when I run, I set goals for myself and seek inspiration from what I have overcome and for what I want to accomplish in the future. If I find myself struggling, I open the anti anger tool box and seek a healthy fuel, not fury. It is so important to seek passion instead of outrage.

5. MONITOR YOUR USE OF ANGER.

Check in with yourself throughout the day and see how you have been doing and how you have been reacting to the people and the world around you. In the beginning, letting go of your anger is like a full time job and you must be fully aware and present to make it happen. Don’t let yourself go on autopilot, or anger will find its way back in.

6. BREAKING THE HABIT OF ANGER

Like any habit, anger is triggered by a cue and your body and mind are looking for the reward. What is triggering this emotion for you? Make a list and you just might have to avoid some things while reprogramming is taking place.

I used to send myself into a blind rage searching for things. I hate looking for things, HATE it. You would think that would drive me to be an organized person, but no, that isn’t how I work. I am a mess, but in the wreckage I actually know where things are, or so I say. I no longer allow myself to look for things. I guess I should say dig for something. I just have to tell myself that if I cant find it, I don’t need it. I keep the necessary things right where I can grab them to go and anything else can be misplaced and a happy surprise when I come across it again. I just cannot care. This has been extremely difficult to learn but has made my life so much easier. To me, searching is an immediate trigger that I cannot take the chance of losing control.

8. SUBSTITUTE A WORKOUT FOR THAT ANGER ADRENALINE

Trade adrenaline for endorphins. Get a good and consistent workout routine. If you are the type of person that your body seeks a thrill, supplement a workout instead of a fury fling. It is the best replacement I have found and hey its good for you. If you are one of those people that are fit for no reason and struggle with anger, well go workout anyway. Activity and routine are amazing tools to create a sound mind.

In conclusion, when I truly let myself become angry, and I mean really angry, I can really lose my mind and go from a rational human to raving lunatic in a flash. Just like that, anger would catapult me into an altered state of consciousness and for many years this is where I fought to stay. This is not a healthy place to be. To me, anger was more of a temptation then an emotion and I let it get out of control from an early age when I didn’t know better and just never really stopped. I found that the more control I have over my emotions, the more control | have over my life. Gaining this control has been one of the most valuable things I have done for myself and it wasn’t easy to get here. Watching others act out of anger and hate made me want to not ever be that kind of person again. If your intentions are to eliminate your tendency toward anger in your life, then its time to get to work and line up your actions with your intentions. Set your goals to lose that anger and make it happen. If you struggle with anger, I encourage you to make this change.