8 ways to help your incarcerated loved one forgive

I really don’t feel worthy to write on such an important topic. Maybe the most important topic of all. I know that forgiveness has changed my life and made it 100% better and for that reason I have a lot I’d better say.

For most of my life I have been an unforgiving, vengeful person. I spent so much time getting back at people. Whenever I felt wronged, I thought I had to make that person hurt in some way too. Looking back, I realized I kept positivity vampires around for this very reason. I didn’t even have a chance of being a positive person living this way. I was a negative hateful person myself and I regret wasting so much of my life living this way.

I could not let things go. I would let the tiniest thing drive me to the point of insanity. Simple words, often misconstrued by me, festered for days, months, even years. I would just think of that person and immediately flash back to some unimportant moment that they uttered something, that in all honesty, hurt my feelings. That stupid memory would immediately fill me with rage. I never gave any thought to what I did to provoke whatever offended me or think about what that person was going through. Hurt people, hurt people. For such a tough girl I sure got my feelings hurt a lot. I never bothered to process those feelings or deal with them correctly. I just hated, and that was that.

I must have thought I was perfect and did no wrong. How? How could I possibly be this confused? With a slick mouth and an overwhelming desire to just be an asshole for no good reason, I somehow misled myself to think I was always in the right.

I was never big on apologies and didn’t see much value when someone apologized to me. I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference when I wasn’t going to let things go anyway.

So, what happened? Well I made mistakes, big mistakes, and I went to prison. All my secrets and my other life came out and I was angry about it. I was angry at all the people that betrayed me and even angrier at myself for betraying the people that meant the most to me. That was the most horrible feeling of all. Being an unforgiving person made it even harder.

I spent my first year incarcerated in a tiny jail cell. It’s amazing how living in a tiny cell with nowhere to go can really put things in perspective. It can be a good thing; it was for me. I didn’t watch TV and had no internet, so I was alone with my own thoughts. There was no escaping myself or the thoughts of the insane mess I left for my loved ones to deal with. I was so overwhelming and at occasionally my thoughts took up all the air in the room.

I didn’t have much experience with forgiveness, and it took me awhile to realize that was exactly what I need in my life. In that tiny jail cell, I learned about the power of forgiveness. It’s really a superpower… I realized I was a forgiveness hoarder. Consequently, the magic doesn’t happen until you start to give it away.

Forgiveness is not on a switch. It is a process, a slow process. I think it may even be slower from a jail cell. However, I would argue that forgiveness may just be more effective from a jail cell. If I had a cell phone, I would probably just send out a mass text like “hey sorry for everything” and then just go on with life. I’m pretty sure that would not have had the same effect as the slow agonizing process from the jail cell without any place to hide from myself.

As I slowly, and sometimes reluctantly began to give forgiveness away. I felt a weird sensation I hardly recognized, peace. It was strangely amazing and addictive.

Some of my forgiveness hurdles were harder than others. It’s hard to take someone serious when you can’t seem to recognize them. Forgiveness was transforming me. Not just my thoughts and my mind but all of me. To be transparent, this forgiveness thing and the peace that came along was better than any drug I had ever been addicted to.

I wanted everyone to feel this good. It took a while to fully understand that I had to prove myself before any of my words could truly be effective. Forgiveness takes time and effort and I’m glad I had to work for it.

You know how Oprah Winfrey used to give everything away at Christmas whether the people wanted it or not? Well I became the Oprah Winfrey of forgiveness. “You get some forgiveness, and you get some forgiveness, and so do you. You don’t even know you need it or want it but guess what you get some forgiveness too!!!!”

It took me so long to realize it, but the power of forgiveness took over me and my life and changed me. You really can forgive everything, and it always feels good.

A lot of times it has nothing to do with the other person. Sometimes the magic of forgiveness is just for you. I would be willing to bet that many people I forgave had no idea they even needed it. I realized that is why it’s so important not to wait for someone to ask for it, they may not actually know they should be asking. So, don’t wait. Just do it!

Yes, I am still in prison where I continue to practice the art of forgiveness and yes, I believe it is an art that must be practiced. It’s been two years and I am still frantically giving away forgiveness. I try to do it the minute it becomes available. I try not to get upset when someone offends or wrongs me because then I get to use my superpower and give some more forgiveness and feel the magic. I won’t carry anger or bitterness one more second than I must. Some days are harder than others, but I try and take time to take a personal inventory and make sure I’m not holding on to something that needs to be forgiven.

Coming to prison I had to totally let go of my perception of the way life is supposed to be and how I thought it should look. I had done that years ago and just lied to myself and everyone around me, so I took this opportunity to get back on track and get right. Forgiveness is so important to me now because of the grace I so desperately needed and sought out and because of the positive and powerful impact it has on my life and the lives of the people I love.

Here are 8 ways to help your loved one incarcerated accomplish forgiveness and things to help you too.

1. Don’t take things personally. I hate to be the one to tell you, but they found the center of the universe and it wasn’t you. I struggled with this so badly. People’s reactions aren’t always about you. You must put into perspective what the other person is going through. Hurt people, hurt people. If someone is lashing out know that they are hurt and forgive them.

2. Make a list of everyone you need to forgive and everyone you need to ask forgiveness. I encourage you and your loved one to really put some thought into that list and don’t forget to include yourself. Start working your way through your list. Many people say to forgive yourself first. I know that I personally felt that was too tall of an order to start with. I know I was nowhere near the top of my list. It took a long time for me to deal with me. The more I started to forgive the more I felt the magic and the forgiveness started to flow, even with myself.

Make sure these people are safe and you aren’t going to get in trouble. You don’t have to have a forgiveness ceremony, its ok to forgive and move on without any contact. Some situations are not healthy, so make sure you keep that in mind when going through the list.

3. Don’t blame others. Don’t spend another minute playing the blame game. Take responsibility for what you are responsible for and move one. You can only control you. Don’t worry about what others need to do or their roll in anything, just forgive and let go.

It’s so important to encourage your loved one not to get into the blame game. Try and redirect them when the conversation heads that way.

4. Encourage your loved one to really focus on reconciliation and not retaliation. If your loved one is in federal prison they have probably been betrayed by a lot of people. The feds base most of their evidence off people that want to talk about you. Whether you know them or not is irrelevant and the stories don’t need to be true. They can tell all the stories they want, and these stories add up to years on someone’s sentence. No physical evidence is needed and the more they talk the less trouble they find themselves in. Yes, these story tellers are in trouble and that is why they are talking to the feds. This can be a hard pill to swallow. I know I anguished over my discovery. I was infuriated that stories from convicted felons trying to get out of trouble was the only evidence the feds needed to get me convicted. I was so angry and your loved one probably is too. Encourage them to let go of this. It is hard but it is necessary, and it won’t happen overnight.

5. Continue to practice forgiveness every day. You may need to make a new list periodically. You may need to make a daily list. Do it! Encourage your loved one to fully commit to forgiveness.

6. Encourage your loved one not to have an undecided heart. Make amends, stand on it and move on. Don’t waiver and don’t take it back. This will happen over time. Don’t expect it to happen immediately.

I struggle more with this one forgiving myself. I’ve noticed that the more I let go of what I forgive myself for the less I relive it. I used to relive all my wrong doings and others wrong doings over and over again. I don’t anymore.

7. The quicker you can forgive the better. The more something festers, the worse the situation becomes. Just forgive as soon as possible and move on. There is no need to hold on and poison yourself with bitterness.

Living in tight quarters with a lot of people that you must see every single day can be hell if you don’t catch problems and misunderstandings right away. The quicker it is solved the better. Everything can be resolved!

8. You don’t need anyone’s approval or opinion. I used to think that forgiveness was for the weak, but I know now it takes a strong person to commit to this practice. Once you start to do it, other people fall in line.

Encourage your loved one to set the precedence and be an example for others. It’s amazing how one person can change the tone for an institution’s environment. Forgiveness is not always the obvious choice. Encourage others by showing how powerful it can be.

In conclusion, committing myself to the practice of forgiveness has completely changed my life for the better. I am so grateful for the peace that I have in my life now because of it. Now looking back being bitter and unforgiving was a horrible way to live. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

The time is never going to be perfect so there is no need to wait. Great things will happen when you act and put forgiveness in motion. You won’t regret it I promise.