10 SUGGESTIONS TO HELP YOUR LOVED ONE IN PRISON HEAL FROM GUILT AND SHAME.

If you have a loved one in prison it is important to help them heal. Prisoners feel guilty because we are guilty. We have made huge mistakes and big messes and we have left our loved ones behind to deal with it. It’s easy to let our mistakes replay in our heads and to dwell on what we have left behind. However, it isn’t healthy. Our family may be just a phone call away but sometimes that doesn’t take the pain away.

The guilt for what I did to my daughter is heartbreaking. To not be able to hold her and to be there for her is a terrible feeling. I have let her down. I know I have embarrassed her and because of my actions her whole life has been uprooted and she has been taken away from everything she knows. I did that. That is my fault. I am ashamed of how I have hurt her and for not being the mom I had every intention of being. I hated myself for it, but I had to heal. I had to learn to forgive myself and let it go. Staying in that painful limbo was getting me nowhere and wasn’t helping anyone or anything.

I can’t be there for my parents. They are always there for me. My Dad had eye surgery and I couldn’t be there to drive him around. My Mom has back issues and I can’t be there to help her. Instead, because of my actions, I sit in a pasture in Illinois in prison unable to jump in the car and go help them or just hang out with them. I have battled these demons too. I finally forgave myself and I am healing.

I could go on and on. These are just a quick example of the guilt and shame that I have dealt with and had to heal from. If you have a loved one in prison, I promise you they have similar struggles and need to heal if they haven’t already. They may not know where to begin.

I encourage you to be relentless in finding a way to get your loved one to heal. Pray pray pray!!! This is the best thing you can do for them and for you.

Here are 10 suggestions that I personally find useful.

1. Be open and honest. Get an open dialogue of how you feel and how they feel. Rip that band aid off. Don’t beat a dead horse. Talk about the situations and problems that are bothering you and get it all out, then move forward. Don’t keep bringing it up. Your loved one is already beating themselves up and replaying it without your help.

2. Encourage them to grieve and come to terms with what they have done and who they have hurt. They need to grieve their freedom, the embarrassment, and everything they have lost. Let them know its ok to grieve, then they need to kiss that regret good bye and let go.

3. Even if they don’t ask for forgiveness, let them know you forgive them. They need to hear this from you. Get the forgiveness ball rolling. It is a beautiful thing that can start with you. (It would be good for you too!)

4. Encourage them to forgive themselves. Then they need to make a list and work on forgiving EVERYONE. Encourage them to release the negative energy. Tell them it’s not for the other person but for them.

5. Let them know you are proud of them. This is HUGE!!! After I turned myself in and after my sentencing, my Dad made sure to tell me he was proud of me. It was the best thing I could have ever heard. It meant more to me than I can put in words and it encouraged me to do better and keep doing better.

6. Encourage them to get in every class offered and take advantage of the counseling. Don’t let them be passive. You might try and find out what is available for them or at least push them to do so. They need to get a plan started.

7. No more excuses and no more can’t! Any effort spent making excuses needs to be redirected to look for a way to succeed. There are opportunities all around them, encourage them to open their eyes and look for them.

8. Encourage them to believe in their transformation. They can do this! With love and encouragement anything is possible. Jeremiah 18:6 He will change you as you renew your mind. Of course, the bible is full of promises and encouragement for change and second chances.

9. Advise them that they have been set free of the prison of lies and secrets. This is their clean slate and fresh start, so get going on their brand-new life. Leave behind the mindsets that limit and defeat you.

10. Be a safe place for them to discuss these painful topics. You may be their only sounding board until they become comfortable with their surroundings and people. Offer to listen.

In conclusion, I think prison is a rare opportunity to get a fresh start. All the dirty laundry is out in the open there is no more hiding. This is extremely freeing when put into a positive perspective. Grief and shame always come with a prison sentence but there is life on the other side when the healing comes. Pain is an excellent source for passion. Encourage your loved one to work on their story. Help them to process their life and their pain and find the healing that will give them peace. Helping other people in similar situations can be very helpful and can be the silver lining to the dark cloud in their life.